Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Going back in time, y’all need anything?