*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I love you…
…r dog.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses