My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
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[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.