I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
and now we wait
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you