*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.