wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
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sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.