[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Cat.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
work smarter, not harder
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.