What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
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Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”