The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
me adding lol on a serious message
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol