Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo