[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES