It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.