“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
The funk soul brother
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Confused owl: What?!
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.