reviewed some movies recently
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At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.