WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
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ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
what day is it?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
The cashier just checked me out.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Simple
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn: