Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside