*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
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You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
cry laughing at this shit
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*