airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
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My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie