Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other