Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
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But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
m’lady
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
The 6 types of sex
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea