I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
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kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
The Others (2001)
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”