make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”