i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company