If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
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Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Webb. James Webb.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box