I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
the best thing i’ve ever made
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!