Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money