Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
You Might Also Like
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.