Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
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X-tra spooky blend
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that