Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
dam girl
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION