Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Sounds like a bargain
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room