Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
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Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Not messing around
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look