The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.