My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.