Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
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Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Where is your GOD now????
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”