Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
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The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.