[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
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“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Monday
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
starting a garage orchestra
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Essential viewing in these troubled times.