broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
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A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
saw this in a dream