Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
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Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
That’s it.I’m out.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Netflix: We have Less
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.