Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
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Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.