Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Warm pools make me nervous.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.