me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
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I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.