The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
stop
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.