Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
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Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I did not eat the cake…
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Yes, this is exactly right
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off