I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
You Might Also Like
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*