buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
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“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I think I’m having a stroke
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.