Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
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When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
saw this in a dream
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.