Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Yes, but it was never about money
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.