Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
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Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.