Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
peak technology
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No