I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
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Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast